. I’m still searching .

A product of an affair – forbidden love – identified as lust much later on. “Happily Ever After” was never in the cards for me. I was never meant to have the foundation of an ordained marriage, white picket fence and 2 and a half kids. Instead I got given a broken marriage and a variation of ‘This is daddy’s special friend’. 

See I learnt early on in life not to get attached, because every time I warmed up to her, she’d try and replace my mother. Or even worse – she’d disappear. I hated him for that. As much as it is your reality and your norm, you never can get used to it. You can never get used to someone leaving. 

Every day we sympathize and pretend to empathize with those that can’t handle it anymore. Those that gave up and those that wish to. But what is equally devastating, is being the person that gets up every time. 

Time and time again you are shown that you don’t deserve loyalty, trust, honesty, security and love. But you seek it anyway. You look for it in your friends; Search for it in your family; Crave it in your lovers. Is a person a hurt person if they don’t tell people? Is a heart still broken even if you can no longer feel it break? 

It’s like a phone with a multiply cracked screen – if you drop it again can you tell where the new crack is; Or do you merely see the portals for which hope seeps through? No longer contained, like using your cupped hands to hold back blood. 

I will always continue to love. I will always look for security, because I know that when I finally find it, I will search for my father in his face, and only when I don’t see him will I be content that maybe I can be loved. Content in the idea that a man can love me and find me worthy of being a place of peace even if I am the storm. 

Categories Confessions, Poetry
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